never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
