you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
