he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
