you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
