That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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