Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
