new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
