Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
