I wish my penis had an off switch
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize