is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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