Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize