I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
