You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I touched a dick in church today
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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