I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
