its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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