The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
