Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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