as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
