Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
