we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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