I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
