how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
