ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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