Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
