I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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