No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
