If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
