mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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