You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
