Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
