fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
