you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize