Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
