I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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