I am midnight drunk by noon
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize