Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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