Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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