my mouth tastes like poor choices
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
