No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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