She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
