He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
