I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize