Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
