Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
