I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
