She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
