u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
