Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
