there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
