I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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