apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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