So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You should frame my arrest warrant.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
