i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
