I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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