why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
