Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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