i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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