I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
