the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
