it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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