He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
