i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
