What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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