I smell stomach acid.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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