captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize