This is not my ceiling
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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