im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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