just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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