Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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