I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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